I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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