shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
