I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
