Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
