I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
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