so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
