She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
