I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
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