my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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