I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
