No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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