i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Randomize
