Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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