Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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