He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
