i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
