I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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