period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
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