Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
