Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
I got her a Nickelback box set.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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