Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
