some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Randomize
