I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I've blown a few things in my day
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Randomize