dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
