Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
