it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
