dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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