I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
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