I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
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