if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Randomize
