Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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