Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Randomize