thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
