I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
