This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize