I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
