He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
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