I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
