Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Randomize
