I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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