Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
