you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
