Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
And then my night got REAL pukey
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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