In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
