So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Randomize
