literally had 100 drinks last night.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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