I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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