The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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