i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
