4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
