I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I'm bleeding and have questions
Randomize
