You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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