Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
