tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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