I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
