is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
