Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
