just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
